Chasing Time
by chelseagrey
Summary: DerekMeredith. They say that you can never capture time, but Derek will try. For Meredith and their daughter, he'll try. Complete.
1. Five Years

Author's Note: Here is my new story. Please enjoy. Set five years into the future. Derek went back to Manhattan with Addison right away. Cristina and Burke moved to San Francisco when Burke was offered Chief of Staff.

* * *

Chief Resident, Meredith Grey sat at the nurse's station finishing up a chart as Izzywalked by.

"Hey Mer."

"Hey."

"What are you up to?"

"Finishing charts. Aren't you supposed to be up in OB?"

"Yeah. But Bailey's up there."

"Oh I see."

"I'd never think that the Nazi would end up being chief."

"Shocking to me too."

"Have you heard from Cristina?"

"Nope."

The two women smiled as Izzy continued to munch on her brownie. George can running up to them.

"MEREDITH!"

Izzy raised her eyebrows, "You don't say hi to me?"

Meredith shook her head and looked at George, "Aren't you supposed to be in the ER?"

"I was. Until…"

"Until what George?"

"Madison is down there."

"What!"

Meredith jumped up and ran down the stairs, two steps at a time.

* * *

When she reached the ER, Meredith searched desperately for Madison. After what seemed like hours of searching, she found her.

"MOMMY!" Madison jumped in Meredith's arms.

"What are you doing here sweetie?"

"I couldn't breathe at school so I told the teacher and she took me here."

"Oh honey, it's just your asthma. Are you okay?"

"I'm happy you're here Mommy."

"I love you Madison so be careful."

"I love you too Mommy."

Meredith carried her daughter up the stairs, she felt her superhero strength take over as she kissed her daughter. When Meredith arrived at the nurses' station, she nearly collapsed. He was back. Derek.

The worst part was that he didn't know that Madison was his daughter.

* * *

Yes? No? Please let me know.

--it was you that I was thinking of.


	2. Confession&Realization

Author's Note: Wow. I'm so thankful for your reviews. I couldn't believe my eyes because of all the feedback. Thank you so much. Please continue.

* * *

Meredith felt her eyes shine over with tears and a lump be caught in her throat as she saw Derek right there.

She had dreams of seeing Madison's father for the first time in years. Trust her, it would never have went down like this. Meredith placed Madison on the floor and told her to get Aunt Izzy and tell her that they were going home.

Meredith saw Bailey walk away from Derek. She turned her heel and quickly followed her.

"BAILEY!"

Bailey turned and looked at Meredith.

"What do want Grey?"

"Can I go home? Madison had an asthma attack and I should look after her for the rest of the day."

"Ok. But the minute that child goes on a sleepover, you are doing a double."

"Yes Dr. Bailey."

"Oh and Grey?"

"Yes?"

"Don't think that me having a son, makes me go soft on you okay."

Meredith nodded and spotted Madison skipping down the hall.

"MOMMY!"

"Come here sweetheart."

Meredith scooped Madison and carried her to the elevator.

"Can I press the button?"

"Okay. We're going to level 2."

"Yay!"

Just as the elevator door closed, Derek Sheperd spotted her. The woman he had been searching for, Meredith Grey.

Later at Night:

Meredith had just put Madison to sleep. The clock on the kitchen wall read 9:00pm. George and Izzy were held up in the hospital when a drunk driver hit a pregnant woman that was in her third trimester. A soft knock came to the door just as Meredith put the coffee mug to her lips. She rose and walked down to look at who was at the door only to find the person she wanted to see the least. He saw her and she knew it. _Damn glass doors_, Meredith silently cursed at them.

Meredith opened the door careful not to make eye contact with Derek.

"What do you need Derek?"

"Can we talk Mer?"

"We have nothing to talk about."

"Yes. We do."

"Is there any part of 'I'm a sink with an open drain' you don't understand? There is no enough so we should just stop."

"Meredith…"

"What?"

"I left Addison."

"Did she screw someone else again?"

"No, I just couldn't stop thinking about you."

"Ha."

"I'm serious."

"Derek, I—"

A small voice interrupted them. Meredith loved and knew this voice all to well. Madison.

"Mommy."

Meredith felt her blood drain. Now Derek knew she had a daughter. Their daughter.

"Yes Maddie?"

"I can't find Mr. FuzzyPaws. (random name.)"

"He should be on the couch."

Bridget glanced into the living room. She spotted the teddy bear and took it.

"Mommy? Who is that?"

"Just an old friend. Night Madison. I love you."

"I love you too Mommy."

Bridget walked back up the stairs and Meredith turned to looked at Derek.

"What are you looking at?"

"I see you have a daughter."

"I do."

"How old is she?"

"Four and a half."

"Oh— wait… WHAT!"

"She's about four and a half."

Before Derek could say another word, Meredith ushered him out the door and shut it tight behind her.

"Derek…"

"Is she… mine?"

Meredith broke hey eye contact with Derek and looked at the concrete.

"Yes."

Derek felt his whole world spin, he was a father and he had missed everything. Meredith's first ultrasound, the birth of Madison, her first word. Everything.

"Why didn't you… Why… Oh my…"

"Derek… you chose your wife. It wasn't until _after_ you left _right_ after she finished the case with the twins, that I found out that I was pregnant."

"So you just don't tell me that I've fathered a child?"

"Derek, I need to work tomorrow and I don't want _my _daughter to hear this."

"_Our_ daughter."

"Just go."

Meredith turned and shut the door, leaving Derek on the porch thinking about what just happened.

He just found out that he was a father.

* * *

--sad, small, sweet, so delicate.

A Decade Under the Influence by Taking Back Sunday


	3. Accpeting the Truth

Author's Note: Well. Here is the next chapter. Due to popular demand, the name has been changed back to Madison. And the lyric that I use will have the song title. The previous chapter will be changed. So just sit tight. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this. I am utterly grateful to the support I hate been receiving. Please continue.

* * *

Derek Sheperd was a man that was always wanted. At least most of the time. In elementary school, he had the perfect grades and was the first to understand long division. In middle school, Derek had his first girlfriend, a girl by the name of Ashley. Throughout high school, Derek was idolized by girls. He was known as the hottest guy in school. The athlete and an overachiever. Though his college and med school years, he was one of the guys that were considered 'marriage material'. Nice hair, smart, funny, and fairly wealthy. It wasn't until he was an intern, that he met Addison Montgomery. She was his equal, partner in crime you could say. Then after years of marriage, he was cheated on by Addison and moved to Seattle, only to meet Meredith Grey.

Meredith had rocked his world on this particular one-night stand, which he considered his initiation to his new home. But it wasn't until that he saw her, again that he knew that she was what he wanted. At first it was just a screw to get over being screwed but then he fell for her. Hard. But as most say, you can never run away from your past, and Addison came back. Since Derek was Derek, he tried to work it out and moved back to Manhattan.

Upon arrival to Manhattan, Derek knew that he was wanted and had made the right decision. Which his almost always did. But even though his days were filled with surgeries, and his evenings and early mornings with Addison; Derek's nights were covered by washes of insomnia and the thought of Meredith Grey. Four and a half years later, the thought of her became too intense and he had to have her again even though he knew he could be too late.

* * *

Derek lay asleep at night thinking of the past days events. He just found out that his ex-girl-friend or more appropriately, love, was the mother of his child. _Their_ child. The insomnia that he wished would go away upon his arrival to Seattle, was back but now another person was in the picture. A small four-year old child whose name was Madison.

* * *

Derek looked at his paralysis patient.

"I'm sorry Mr. Forgo. There is nothing that we can do to stop this. Eventually, the tumor will grow too large and by the results of this CT scan, that can be any day now."

The tears ran down the old man's cheeks. He had lived a fruitful life and now, now was his opportunity to share his wisdom to his doctor.

Derek saw that Mr. Forgo had become uneasy and decided that he should leave. Just as he reached the door, the old man spoke.

"Wait Dr. Sheperd." Derek turned and looked at the old man.

"Yes?"

"Sit with me for a moment."

Derek took the chair beside the bed and saw that the old man's tears had created two damps spots on his gown.

"Dr. Sheperd…"

"Please call me Derek."

"Alright… Derek. Now tell me, have you ever made a mistake?"

"Yes, but everyone has."

"Not that kind. I'm talking about the kind that with every ounce of your being that you wish you could have made another decision. That you just want to go back in time and change your mind."

Derek raised his eyebrows. Even though this was extremely private for him, Derek decided to just tell him.

"Yes."

"What was it?"

"When I was an intern, I met a woman. She was great. So I decided to marry her. Then after years of marriage, she committed adultery. I left her to go here. On my third night, right before my first day, I met this other woman. She was _amazing_. Things were complicated about our relationship with her but we made it through. The day I was planning to tell her about my wife, my wife showed up. She's also a doctor and there was this case where she was _one_ of the _two_ surgeons that were qualified to do the surgery. I told her that I wasn't going back to her. But this other woman left me when she found out that I was married. With no hope of a relationship, I went back to my wife. But…"

"But what?"

"That other woman, I loved her. There was no spark between my wife and I anymore. We weren't two halves of a whole anymore. We _changed_. After four years, I couldn't stop thinking of this other woman, so I decided to come back here. I knew I could be too late, that she could probably be off somewhere with someone _else_. But I took my chances anyway. I got here and I saw her for the first time. I went to her house later and tried to work things out but…" His words trailed off as a thin sheet of pained tears covered his eyes.

"Derek… just tell me."

"When I left her… she was…" The words choked Derek and tears came down. He wasn't sure if they were tears of happiness or regret. Maybe they were _both._ All he knew was that they were tears.

"She was… pregnant. With _my _baby. I was going to be a _father_ and I didn't even _know._ I missed _everything._ All I know is that the child's name is Madison and that she's four and a half. I just…" The tears came on fully, by this point there was no stopping it.

It just so happened that when the tears fell, Meredith Grey walked by seeing them.

_I hurt him._ Those three words were all that went through her mind.

_Pain is like a shadow, not matter where you are. It's always there.

* * *

_

Well I certainly hope that you enjoyed the chapter. The chapter will be up soon. Please review.

--stop right there, that's exactly where I lost it.

Who I am Hate Who I've Been by Relient K


	4. Looking at the Past

Author's Note: Sorry for the delay. I really appreciate the feedback. It helps inspire me. I hope you enjoy this. Anyway, I put some background into this chapter and excuse the labels. It just makes the story clearer.

* * *

Meredith Grey was a party girl. Was being the operative word. In her early years of elementary and middle school, she went to birthday and pool parties every weekend. During her high school years, Meredith was the one that was at every single party you can ever dream of. Whether it was a party for the nerds or the preps, she was there. All the time. When she reached college and med school, it was the heavy combo of her, tequila, and well… you know. But during her few short weeks prior to her internship, her views changing, putting her careers first. Meredith had grown up but never in her wildest dreams did she dream of becoming a mother.

This all changed when she met Derek Sheperd, nervous about her first shift as an intern at Seattle Grace Hospital, Meredith decided to go to a nearby bar that she had remembered from the last time she was in Seattle, when her mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Derek turned out to be her boss and Meredith panicked. She never thought that her one-night stand would end up being her_ boss _at the hospital she worked at. After badgering her for weeks about dating him, she finally agreed after a party that her roommate threw. During their relationship, if that was the appropriate word to call it, Meredith wanted to be with him. She wanted to be his wife and the mother of his children but this dream went into a downward spiral when his wife showed up.

His wife showed up and Meredith was sure as hell angry. He had been _dating _her when he was _married_. But when the true nature of her emotions surfaced, Derek had chosen to return to Manhattan with his wife.

Then she found out that she was pregnant.

* * *

_While laying on her bed, during the middle of the night, mourning the loss of a loved one, Meredith was over come with tiredness and a feeling of nausea. She walked into the bathroom and leaned against the shower hoping that the cool wood floors would ease her stomach. No such luck came. Meredith vomited and then went to sleep. She blamed it on her drinking but that was not the case._

_Later that day, Meredith glanced at a calendar wondering when her next day off was, realizing that her period had been 4 days late. She later ran off to the nearest grocery store, taking a pregnancy test. The result ended up negative. Trusting her doctoral instincts, Meredith went to the hospital, this time getting a blood test revealing that she was indeed pregnant._

_Nine months later, Madison Bridget Grey was born.

* * *

_

Meredith nearly ran toward the elevator, scared. Scared to know what she was feeling, what he was feeling and what Madison was feeling. Just last night, Madison had crawled into bed next to her mother.

_"Mommmmmyyyyy…"_

"_What is it Maddie?"_

"_I can't sleep."_

"_Climb in."_

_Madison hurriedly snuggled next to her mother. Meredith kissed her daughter's temple and gently stroked her soft brown hair._

"_Mommy?"_

"_Yes sweetie?"_

"_Who was that at the door?"_

"_Just a friend."_

"_Do you like him?"_

"_Ummm…"_

"_Is he my daddy?"_

_Meredith froze at this. This question was the most dreaded question Meredith had since the moment that Madison was born. She was going to have to tell her sooner or later._

"_Go to sleep sweetie. You have school."_

"_Tell me a story." _

_Meredith smiled. Four year olds and their attention span. You just gotta love them._

"_Okay…Once upon a time there was this princess that loved the snow. Especially snowflakes, she was smart and beautiful but the King and Queen wanted her to get married to a prince who lived in a land without snow. Not only did she not want to leave her kingdom but…"_

_A soft snoring sound came from Madison. Meredith slid her arms around her daughter and gently whispered, "Yes. He is your daddy."

* * *

_

The elevator door clicked shut and Meredith leaned against the wall. Derek was her lover. Ex-lover. At least that was what she hoped. She couldn't love him again. She couldn't get hurt again. She couldn't bear the thought of Madison getting hurt. Derek would make a great father though and she knew it. George had told her stories of surgical cases that he worked on with Derek about children. One in particular was a 2-year old girl who had to have _half_ of her brain removed. She was unsure of what she felt when she first saw him. He had grown older. Gracefully. What was most familiar was the tears that she saw falling down his cheeks. They were the same tears that she had shed four years ago when Derek left. They were tears of pain and love.

_Pain is like a shadow, it follows you through the past, present and future.

* * *

_

Mr. Forgo was a writer. One of those poets that tell you to seize the day one too many times. He had had many lovers but one made him want more. One made him feel. Really feel. This woman told him something right before she died. Told him something that will stick in his mind for all eternity. Only a few short moments before her death from cancer, she told Bradley Forgo that when you make a mistake, you have to fix it until you can't anymore. Until you finally understand what Benjamin Franklin meant, that knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping and that even the most worst most intolerable mistake beats the hell out of never even trying. He understood this and incorporated it into many of his poems making him wealthy and successful. And now, on the eve of his death, he knew that he gave his life his all. That he tried.

"Derek…"

The tears kept coming from Derek, they wouldn't stop.

"Derek!" His voice was firm.

The doctor's tears seized and he looked at the patient.

"I'm sorry Mr. Forgo."

"It's alright."

"I should go…"

"Before you do, I want you to know this and listen carefully."

"Alright."

"I too loved a woman. Liver cancer took her life. A few minutes before she died, she told me something that I would never forget. She said that when we make a mistake, we have to fix it. Fix it until you can't anymore. Until you finally under what Benjamin Franklin said hundreds of years ago. You have to understand that knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, that even the worst most intolerable mistake beats the living hell out of never try at all."

"Thank you Mr. Forgo. Now please get some sleep."

"You at least owe me the gratitude of telling the name of this mystery woman."

"Meredith Grey."

"Grey?"

"Meredith, yes?"

"Daughter of Ellis Grey?"

"Yeeesss?" There was great uncertainty in Derek's voice.

"I know her. Well I guess I should say, I remember her."

"You do? How?"

"I was her professor for a time. In English. My finest student."

"Really?"

"Tell her that I said Hello…"

Derek nodded.

"I will. Now you need to get some sleep."

"Alright. Alright."

As Mr. Forgo closed his eyes, Derek left the room. He walked down the hall. He pushed the elevator and the door opened revealing Meredith Grey, in tears.

* * *

I hope you enjoyed that. Please review. My highest gratitude.

--we got more bounce in California that all ya'll combined

More Bounce in California by SOULKID #1


	5. Elevators & Change

Author's Note: I'm so sorry for the wait. I hope that this chapter is worth it. Thank you to all reviewers I really appreciate it. I will try to reply to all of them but I don't have a lot of time on my hands. I truly am grateful for the support that you have given me.

* * *

_This is not happening. I am in a dream. A dream where Derek is returning. Not happening. NOT happening._

As Meredith continued to battle with herself like a teenage girl, the elevator doors opened revealing the man that she had been running from.

Derek looked at her. There was no denying that she was in pain. Pain caused by him.

"Meredith?"

"What are you looking at Derek?"

"Meredith… I'm sorry that I caused you so much pain and misery it's just… just…"

"I'm not in the mood for fake apologies Derek."

He walked into the elevator and pressed to button for the fifth floor. Hiding his temptation to pull the emergency button so he and Meredith could talk. Just as Bailey had done for him years ago.

"I mean it Meredith. I'm really sorry for all of this."

Meredith stood up meeting his eye level. Looking into his perfect eyes. Eyes that showed all his feeling. Just like Madison. One of the hardest things Meredith had to endured was looking Madison in the eye. She was like a mirror image of her father. Their eyes showed every feeling, emotion, every tear and heartbeat. She looked into them sensing an unknown emotion that she couldn't quite articulate.

"Derek…I want you to know that I _loved_ you and you _were_ my everything. But as you can see, things have _changed_. I am not the _same_. Being a mother. The mother of _our_ child has changed my focuses and outlooks. Everything changed Derek. A lot can happen over the years."  
"I know." He looked at her. Remembering how beautiful she _really_ is. Through all the tiredness, the emptiness that he had put her through, there was a maternal glow in her. One that put forth something he couldn't quite grasp. He had expected her to change. No one can stay the same for five years. But he wanted her to be his. Not as a prize or eye-candy for his arm. He wanted to love her, hold her, spoil her, cherish her. Anything to show that he loved her. And maybe just maybe she loved him_ almost_ as much.

"Derek… it's just… I don't think that it would be the best idea for you to be included in Madison's life just yet."

This tore him apart broke him. Killed every fiber of his body. The minute he found out that he was a father, he already loved Madison yet he didn't even know her.

"She's my daughter Meredith. You can't keep me from her."

"I'm her mother Derek. Until that girl reaches 18, you are not to even _speak_ to her without my say so."

"Meredith can we at least talk this out? Work something out? Does Madison even know that I'm her father?"

Before Meredith could answer that she had reached her floor. She causally walked out of the elevator. Meredith glanced back at him.

"Joe's at 6."

Derek nodded. He was not going to miss this for the world.

* * *

Yes it's a very, very, very short chapter. But I should be able to update by…. 2006. I will update before 2005 is over! Please please review. I need motivation to keep this story going. There's not much left to write.

--Sadie Hawkins Dance in my khaki pants

Sadie Hawkins Dance by Relient K


	6. Reliving & Compromise

Author's Note: Well… the site wouldn't let me update _yesterday_ so I have to update _today._ HAPPY NEW YEAR'S! 2006. Now a word from me:

Chelseagrey: sits down in front of the computer, turns on 'are you gonna be my girl' by jet and prepares to write her new chapter. She speaks on the phone with her friend about 2005 and New Year's.

Friend (I prefer not to reveal her name.): "So what is your plan for New Year's? A special treat in mind? Someone to kiss at midnight?"

Chelseagrey: "No… of course not… I'm not having or going to a party this year."

Friend, shocked: "**YOU** _not _having or going to a party! I need to:say's person's name:call about this! It's a miracle. But tell me. What are your plans?"

Chelseagrey: "I'm going to blow out the floating candles in the punch bowl and wish for my daydreams to come true, a new ipod I can watch LOST on, and the ownership of Grey's Anatomy."

Friend: "Uhhhh, I hate to burst your bubble, my abercrombie loving friend but… there are no floating candles in the punch bowl on New Year's."

Chelseagrey: "WHAT!" I exclaim enraged. How will I ever get to my daydreams?

Friend: "Yes… it's true. I have to go… it's my mom's birthday and I want cake."

Chelseagrey: "SAVE ME A CANDLE!"

But it is too late. She is gone.

Enjoy the chapter.

P.S. What you have just read is a result of a ½ pound bar of chocolate (COUGH COUGH :says person's name:) and pepsi.

* * *

Joe's Bar 6:25 pm 

Meredith walked into Joe's casually searching around for Derek. She breathes a sigh of relief seeing that he is late as always. She walks up to Joe.

"Hey. The usual tequila?"

"Actually no."

"Oh my god. Someone…anyone tell me that Meredith had brain surgery or something. Are you pregnant again?"

"Haha but no Joe. I just need to keep my senses up tonight."

"Ahhhh, McDreamy knows about Madison."

"He knows."

"Well what can I get you?"

"A plane ticket to Vegas."

"I meant drinkwise."

"Uhhh, I'll have a martini."

"So unlike you. Man this is weird."

"Yeah. It is."

"So what are you talking to him for?"

"He wants to spend time with Madison."

"And you didn't tell her that Derek was her father."

"Joe… I don't know what to do."

Joe hands Meredith her drink as he looks to the door as he hears the bell ring. A wave of release hit him when he saw that it wasn't McDreamy. He could talk to Meredith about this. Madison was like his niece.

"Mer, he is her father."

"But I can't just shove Derek in her face. I need to protect her. What if he leaves again? Joe… I don't want Madison to _ever_ go through the pain that I went through. That I'm going through. Isn't there an easy way out of this?"

"You could run."

"Yeah-."

"But then you would die with the guilt of never letting Madison know her father. You could have told him that you were pregnant but you decided not to. This is your second chance. Don't throw it away."

"I just don't know what to do about it."

"How about a dinner?"

Meredith looked up at Joe, her head nodding in approval.

"Dinner?"

"Yeah. Just the three of you. You could tell Madison before, during, after; whatever tickles your fancy really but have Derek there so he can help her, explain what happened."

"You know… you are _way_ too smart to be a bartender."

"But here I am anyway."

"Yeah… thanks Joe. Um, I'm going to a table. I'll tell you the result of this later."

"Aww come on… I wanna hear."

"No Joe."

Meredith walked off to the booth near the corner of the bar and silently awaiting the arrival of her child's father.

* * *

Derek strolled into the bar, his heart beating a thousand miles a minute. He spotted Joe and walked up to him. 

"He returns."

"Thanks Joe."

"What can I do for ya? Scotch?"

"Naahhh. Just a beer. I need to keep up my senses."

"Now where have I heard that from?"

"Uhhh, have you seen Meredith?"

Joe set the beer on the counter.

"Corner over there."

* * *

Derek drew in a deep breath, picked up his beer and walked over to his lover. 

When Derek reached the table, he saw Meredith shaking almost as much as he was.

"Hi Derek."

"Meredith." He nodded his head in greeting.

"I'm sure your about to play some, I'm-her-father-and-she's-my-daughter argument but I have a… a suggestion."

"Alright." Derek took a seat and noticed how much his hands were shaking as he drank his beer.

"I'm thinking that this weekend, Saturday, you should come over and have dinner with Madison and I. We could break the news to her gently that way. About you being her father I mean. Then she could either be mad at me and go to you or be mad at you and never speak to you again. Either way, if she does take a liking to you, then we could _try_ to work something out. I'm _not_ guaranteeing anything. She's a stubborn child, much like her father and as much as I resent the fact, me. So what do you think?"

"I would love to do that."

"Okay. Is there anything you want to know about Madison?"

"Anything you want to tell me."

"Alright just let me get a new drink."

"Tell Joe it's on me okay Mer?"

"Trying to take advantage again? Reliving the past?"

"We will see where the night takes us."

Meredith walked off to the counter._ The worst is over_.

* * *

Joe served Meredith the second he could. 

"So… how did it go?"

"He said okay to the dinner. Thanks Joe."

"Don't mention it Mer."

"I think I'll take that tequila. 4 shots would be good. Oh and it's on McDreamy too."

"I see that some neurosurgeon is bringing back the past."

"I might not let him get that far."

"Harsh. But I'm proud of you."

"Thanks a lot Joe. I really appreciate the support."

* * *

Derek breathed in as Meredith walked back to the table. He smiled as he saw the tequila. It was a good thing that she didn't change that much. 

"Tequila? Whose trying to bring back the night now?"

"Can we just talk about Madison?"

"Sure. Tell me anything you want about her."

"She's four and a half. A lot like you. Physically, you can find out at dinner… mentally. Well she has bad asthma. She's strong and supportive. But she lacks comfort…"

"Lacks comfort?"

"She never is really comforted."

"Really?"

"Well one night…"

_Meredith had just arrived home from an exhausting shift. She had been working for 24 hours without sleep or food. She laid down in tiredness and suddenly heard her door swing open._

"_MOMMY!"  
Meredith jumped off her bed and calmed down when she saw Madison but filled up with worry._

"_Yes Maddie?"_

"_I couldn't sleep."_

"_Climb in baby."_

_Madison climbed into bed with her mother and snuggled against her and pulled her teddy bear close._

"_Are you okay now?"_

"_No…"_

"_Well what's wrong sweetheart?"  
"I feel empty."_

_Empty. Those words had brought back memories. It reminded her of when Derek left and when she removed ten dollheads from a patient who ingested them. It was the feeling that was attached to her since Derek left. Even though Madison filled her heart with joy, she missed his smile, piercingly beautiful eyes, and the way that he made her feel. _Really _feel. Like feel the wind on her face. Like their love. (Yes… A Walk To Remember. But what can I say? It's a great line.) Now, she hears her daughter say it._

"_Why? Why do you feel empty?"_

"_There's something missing. Like a daddy."_

"And there were more incidents after that. I didn't know what to do. I would tell her that things are okay. We have a house, friends, food, clothes. She was never really comfortable when she felt empty. But who really is? But even when I comfort her… it's just she always says that it's not enough."

"A sink with an open drain huh?"

"Exactly."

"So…"

"I should go. I need to spend sometime with Maddie. See you this weekend."

"Your shots."

Meredith raised the first shot and toasted.

"To Madison."

Derek nodded as they both drank the shots.

"Oh… Mer?"

"Yeah?"

"I had a patient today… Mr. Forgo. Says that you were his student in college. One of the best."

"Mr. Forgo… I remember him. He was my English professor."

"He wants you to stop by."

"I'll stop by tomorrow. Thanks Derek. See you around."

"You too."

Meredith walked back into the streets of Seattle while Derek leaned back, afraid of the dinner he would have to face Saturday. He would have to face he daughter and he was scared. Scared of being rejected.

* * *

Alrighty. I hope you enjoyed that. Review and I will update! Anyway I have a question for you all: 

**DO YOU WANT ME TO WRITE A VALENTINE'S DAY FIC?**

Let me know in your almighty reviews! Thanks for the support. I really appreciate. I'll try to reply to your review individually but school starts soon and I have a stupid geometry test. Damned shapes. Anyway…

--1,2,3 take my hand and come with me

Are You Gonna Be my Girl by Jet


	7. No Anesthesia

**Author's Note:** Over 100 reviews. :TEAR: I love you guys! You're just so awesome to review so much. My undying gratitude for you! I love you. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Anyway enjoy this next chapter. Review and I'll be happy : )

* * *

Meredith began to hyperventilate as she set the table for this dinner. She was quickly working with her apron and the pasta she had in the oven. Panic came over her as Madison walked up to her in the kitchen. The sound of her voice pierced Meredith's heart while the love she had for Derek kept her partially sane.

"MOMMY!"

"What is it Maddie?" Meredith choked, her voice filled with tears.

"Why are we inviting this man over for dinner?"

"I can't tell you yet."

"Please Mommy?"

"No. Now go but on your dress and I'll be up in a minute to do your hair okay?"

"Okay Mommy."

Madison skipped up the stairs leaving Meredith alone to let a single tear slip. She wiped it away furiously wondering why exactly she was doing this. Why she was putting herself through the torture of being with Madison and Derek? Why was she doing this? She quickly reminded herself that despite all that she has been through, Derek was the love of her life and Madison's father and ultimately she wanted her daughter to have the best that life could offer and that _did_ include Derek.

* * *

Checking over her appearance, Meredith thought over what has really happened. Derek was back and he wanted to be a part of Madison's life. His daughter's life. Truthfully, Meredith _wanted_ Derek to be a part of Madison but she didn't want to get her to get hurt. Izzy knocked on the door to check on Meredith.

"Mer?"

"Hey Iz. Aren't you supposed to be out tonight?"

"On my way out but I just wanted to see how you were doing and…"

Izzy walked into Meredith's bedroom and comfortingly put her arm around her friend the instant she noticed her eyes fill up with tears.

"What's wrong Mer?"

"I want Derek to be a part of Madison's life. I really do. But I just don't want to get hurt you know? I know it sounds selfish but…"

"Hey, it's not. To be honest, I have no idea how you are feeling. But I know what it's like to be hurt. I know that you don't want to go through that again but McDreamy is a good guy. Despite what he did, he's a good guy. He'll understand if you don't want Madison to know that he is her father."

"But that's what I want."

"I don't know what to tell you. I love Madison. She's my niece. Something that cheers me up… I don't want her hurt either but this is for the better. You can't let her go her whole life without knowing that her father lives in the same city."

"I just don't know what to expect. She can be angry, sad, or happy. She's five."

"It's just something that will happen. Don't blame yourself for it. You did what you had to do."

"Thanks Iz."

"Well I gotta go. I have a date."

"Is it with that cute waiter guy?"

"I guess we'll have to find out."

"Izzy… there is a _child_ in the house."

"Fine. If it gets that far, we're crashing at his place."

"Have fun Izzy."

"Thanks."

Izzy walked over to the door.

"And Mer?"

"Yeah?"

"You look great."

"Thanks."

* * *

Meredith heard knocking on the door at exactly six pm. She chuckled at his promptness. Madison bounded down the stairs to meet the eyes of her father.

-

Derek trembled as he reached for the doorbell. Today was the day that he had been waiting for. The day that he would tell his daughter that he was her father. Today. He was wondering what his daughter was like. What she nice? Mean? Smart? What was she? Was she like Meredith? Before he knew it the doorbell rang and he saw his daughter standing before him, just through a glass door.

-

Meredith walked up to the door, her hands shaking violently. She glanced at Madison.

"Maddie?"

"Yes Mommy?"

"What ever happens, remember that I love you more than life itself okay?"

"Okay."

Meredith opened the door and looked at Derek.

"Hi Derek."

"Meredith… you look great."

"You too."

"I'm glad your letting me do this."

"Yeahh… uhh Derek this is my daughter Madison."

Derek stooped down to Madison's level (A/N: Don't you hate it when adults to that to you?) and reached his hand out.

"Hi Madison."

"Hi." Madison avoided eye-contact with Derek shyly as she stepped aside letting him into the house.

Meredith looked at Derek and Madison noticing the uncanny resemblance between the two. She choked on her tears once more as she spoke, "Maddie, can you get some water like Mommy showed you?"

"Ok."

Madison dashed out of sight into the kitchen, leaving Meredith and Derek behind to talk.

* * *

Derek looked at Meredith trying to read the mixed expression that lay on her face.

"Derek… when do you want to tell Madison?"

"Uhh… I guess we should rip the bandage off."

"No anesthesia."

"Exactly."

"We'll tell her in the living room. Come…on…" Meredith tried to continue her sentence but stopped short. The instant she offered her hand to Derek all the self-control and composure that she had left, leaving her in tears. Derek, who also had lost his control, wrapped his arms around Meredith holding her tightly wanting to erase all the tears that he had caused. The lost composure quickly regained as Meredith pulled away from Derek leading him into the living room.

* * *

Madison came into the living room seeing her mother and the strange man sitting down. She brought the water to them and politely curtseyed. Seeing her mother's smile showed her that she was proud of Madison. The man chuckled and then cleared his throat.

"Madison…"

"Yes?"

"Your mommy and I have to tell you something."

"Really? What is it?"

Meredith couldn't take it anymore, she had to say something.

"Maddie, this man… he is your… your… daddy."

The confession thick in the air, Meredith and Derek simultaneously drew in a sharp breath. Before either of them could say a word, the little girl's eyes filled with tears.

* * *

You guys…. I'm so sorry that I'm such a bad writer. 1. I had you wait so long for the chapter. 2. The chapter was so bad. 3. I'm so sorry. Please please please forgive me.

Review please too.

--The needle on my record player has been wearing thin

Hit or Miss by New Found Glory


	8. Shock & Suprise

Author's Note: Sorry for the wait! I'm seriously overdone with school and some friend issues that I can't really talk about. Why is life so filled with drama? Anyway… Valentine's fic should be up soon. There is not much left to write for this one… but anyway I have a question for you guys at the bottom again… make sure to enjoy this chapter and review okay? You all are seriously _cool_ and _awesome!

* * *

_

_Previously on Three Loves:_

"_Maddie, this man… he is your… your… daddy."_

_The confession thick in the air, Meredith and Derek simultaneously drew in a sharp breath. Before either of them could say a word, the little girl's eyes filled with tears._

Now to the upcoming chapter:

Meredith restrained herself from throwing her arms around her petite daughter and scream _I'm sorry. I love you. Please…please forgive me._ But for once, Meredith was at a loss for what was going through her head. It was a maternal instinct for a mother to know what her daughter was thinking or feeling most of the time yet there was always an exception. Madison looked at her mother and then at her father, tears forming as rapidly as they fall. The room was silent and there was nothing but the soft sobs of Madison slicing through the confession-filled air. This killed Meredith. Hell it was _killing _her.

"Maddie? Please say something Maddie!" Meredith felt her own eyes filled with tears as her daughter turned to face her. Meredith looked at Derek hoping for some reassurance… something that would make her _know_ that everything would be alright.

After what seemed like an eternity, Madison looked at Derek and managed to form a few words with her small voice, "Daddy?" At first it began as a question in something close to a whisper but a nod from Derek reassured her, "Daddy."

Derek smiled at the girl and cautiously opened his arms inviting her into a hug. Right now, all he was scared of was the rejection of his own child. Madison looked at him and shook her head, _No._ Derek instantaneously closed his arms together and felt the weight of guilt and rejection fill and sink his heart. Madison sharply turned her head to Meredith.

"Mommy… you _lied _to me."

Meredith was taken aback by the words that she heard from her daughter. A child only 5 years old… her own flesh and blood.

"Madison…"

"No Mommy… sorry won't make me feel better."

Meredith sat up and leaned back on the couch and focused her gaze on Derek. They seemed to be sharing the same thought.

_She is one mature five year old_.

Derek saw that Meredith was near the point of no return. She was about to cry until her eyes fall out.

"Madison… Maddie… your mommy told me _everything_. She just wanted to protect you. I moved away before you were born and I hurt her really really bad…"

"You don't understand Daddy."

"Please let me finish… I hurt your mommy really bad. I love your mommy a lot. I love you a lot. She loves you a lot. We both love you Madison. Your mommy just didn't want you to get hurt the way that she got hurt…"

"But I asked her if you were my daddy and she didn't tell me the truth. I remember that she didn't say anything at all…"

Derek looked at Meredith, "You have done well raising her. She is talking like an adult."

As if something in her mind clicked, Madison's tears subsided as she looked at her mother and father, "Does this mean that you two are going to live together like a mommy and daddy should?"

The dark atmosphere of the room lifted and Madison smiled allowing washes and tides of relief hit Meredith and Derek. Finally, the weight the question dawned on them. The parents exchanged nervous glances and Derek gently took hold of Meredith's hand. Meredith smiled and looked at her daughter, "We haven't decided yet… are you hungry?"

"Uh huh!"

Meredith drew in another breath of relief. She looked at the ceiling in gratitude for five year olds and their ability to change from one subject to another with ease.

"I made your favorite. Shrimp pasta with Aunt Izzy's cake."

"Yay! Can I get things ready? Like in a real restaurant!"

"Okay."

Madison bounded off into the dining room leaving Meredith and Derek to talk for a moment. They shifted on the couch and faced each other.

"Well that went well… she took it better than I expected."

"Meredith… she is an amazing child. You have done so well… better than I would ever do."

"Somehow I doubt that. But about living together… I mean I love Madison but do you really want to-"

Meredith was cut off when Derek kissed her. It was a soft, chaste kiss filled with love, emotion and the pent up passion that was hiding deep in their hearts for the past half-decade.

For the first time in five years, everything felt right.

_Pain is like a shadow, it can make you feel hot or cold.

* * *

_

Man… this, my friends is an example of bad writing. I just wish I had more time. I feel so bad for making you guys weight but most of these days I feel like I have a _Torture Me_ stamp on my forehead and the _whole freaking world_ sees it. Oh and you might be confused about this but Madison was crying because Meredith wasn't telling her that Derek was her father. Just thought that I might clarify that for anyone that was confused. Anyway I will have more of an author's note after the question you must answer:

**This story might come to an end in the next chapter. Do you want that to happen?**

Let me know if you want me to end the story… I don't know if there is much to write and I have a couple ideas I could work on and make it a new story. If you like to know one or two of the ideas, go ahead and email or private message me. I'll reply and answer and such. If you review you will be in the _Awesomely Rad _section of my heart. : )

--Ahhh look at all the lonely people

Eleanor Rigby by The Beatles (all time classics : ) )


	9. Cards & Hearts

Author's Note: Well here is the next chapter… I don't feel like doing my current event so I'm writing : ) Anyway just enjoy this because I actually updated within a week. That's almost a record.

* * *

_Previously on Three Loves:_

_Madison bounded off into the dining room leaving Meredith and Derek to talk for a moment. They shifted on the couch and faced each other._

"_Well that went well… she took it better than I expected."_

"_Meredith… she is an amazing child. You have done so well… better than I would ever do."_

"_Somehow I doubt that. But about living together… I mean I love Madison but do you really want to-"_

_Meredith was cut off when Derek kissed her. It was a soft, chaste kiss filled with love, emotion and the pent up passion that was hiding deep in their hearts for the past half-decade._

_For the first time in five years, everything felt right.

* * *

_

Now to the up and coming chapter:

In life you have a deck of cards. Hearts are your family and friends, diamonds are your riches, spades are your career, and clubs are your personality or just yourself. Most start out with a good balance but overtime the cards get bent, the game changes, and you end up losing a few. Sometimes, you end up with a defective pack and other's you are given the best kind.

The dinner had been eaten and the dishes had been washed at Meredith's house. Madison was asleep upstairs and it left Meredith and Derek alone for a long overdue talk. It had been so long since they had said more than a few words to each other… one's that just talked about them and the mistakes that they had made. It was never anyone's fault about the past few years… it was just the way that fate decided to play.

Meredith sipped the balmy coffee as she leaned back on her couch and briefly made eye contact with Derek. She missed this about them, the moment when they were just enjoying a cup of coffee and each other's silent company. The dinner wasn't too bad and Madison seemed to accept the fact that Derek was her father. She slowly drummed her fingers on the warm ceramic and contemplated for a moment. She should say something… talk about what had happened so long ago. When her mind couldn't stand the argument anymore, Meredith decided to just talk about it and get it out before she explodes.

"Derek…"

"Hmmm?" He sleepily pulled off one of his McDreamy smiles and sipped his coffee.

"What happened to us? We're adults… we just became adults over night. When did it happen? And how do we make it stop?"

"Where have a heard that before?"

"Are you trying to be all dreamy now?" Meredith clenched her teeth for a moment but relaxed when his perfect indigo eyes met hers.

"Meredith, I'm in love with you. I can't stay away anymore."

"Derek…"

"Please let me finish. When I was in New York, I thought about you day and night… I just wanted to looked across the operating table and meet your eyes and tell you that I love you… that I need you."

"I can't risk it Derek. You _hurt_ me. When you left a part of me _died_."

"I understand what you're saying Meredith."

"I don't doubt you do, but what I went through… I'm not willing to go through it again."

"I'm not going to hurt you Meredith."

Meredith felt the hot tears roll down her cheek. She reached out with both hands and gently grabbed Derek's. She led them to her beating heart.

"Do you feel this Derek? Right here. That's my heart. It's not a toy. You broke it really bad last time and I didn't think that I could fix it. But I did. It can't take another beating. It might not be fixable this time."

"Meredith…"

"Derek, my heart is not something you can mess with. It's fragile. It's vulnerable. It can't break again. I don't know what will happen if it does."

"I won't… I can't break your heart again Meredith."

"I want to believe you… I really do Derek but I can't risk it."

"Meredith… didn't that kiss mean anything to you?"

"It did… I have feelings for you … still. In the same I'll-give-you-the-last-piece-of-cheesecake way… in the hold-a-stereo-outside-your-window way. But despite all that it doesn't change the fact that you _broke_ me."

Those words hit Derek like a ton of bricks.

_You broke me._

Three simple words… like I love you. But the way she said it, it was filled with pain.

Pain… another word that killed him.

That guy that wrote, 'Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me,' is so stupid.

"Meredith, I'm sorry. I can say it a thousand, million times just please say that you love me and you forgive me."

"I can't do that. Sorry doesn't mean anything anymore. I want it to but a part of me knows better."

"It doesn't change the fact that I love you."

"Just understand for me Derek."

"What about Madison?"

"It's not her fault and I don't want her to be punished for it."

"But she deserves to have both of us around."

"She deserves not feeling the pain that I felt."

"Meredith… Madison is my daughter, I want the absolute best for her."

"So do I and I know that you can give her the best. Derek I trust you. But not with my heart."

"Meredith…"

"I want you to go upstairs, kiss Madison, tell her you love her, go home and go to work tomorrow. I don't want this Derek."

"After all this time, you still trust and love me. Shouldn't that be enough?"

"Enough… there will never be enough Derek. I'm a sink with an open drain. The day you left, you pulled the plug. There is _no enough._"

"When will there be enough Meredith? Today I poured my heart and soul to you and Madison."

"There will never be enough."

Meredith curled her fists and felt the tears come. She drew in a deep breath and stood up.

"Derek, leave."

"No, Meredith."

"What part of 'No' don't you get?"

Derek stood up to meet Meredith at eye level. She pulled her fists back.

"Why do you want me Derek? Do you really want _this_? What is it about me that draws you back here?"

Meredith clenched her fists tighter and tried to move away put Derek quickly yet gently grabbed her fists. Meredith opened her mouth but the grip he had on her fists effectively silenced her.

"Meredith, it's your hair and your tiny ineffectual fists. It's your smile, personality and the look in your eyes whenever you're smiling. It's the way you obsess over chocolate cheesecake. It's _you_."

Meredith turned her head and looked into the kitchen. It seemed to be forever until Derek swept her up, held her bridal style and passionately kissed her.

_Pain is like a shadow, it can surprise you.

* * *

_

Meredith fumbled with the doorknob as Derek held her tightly. She felt herself crying as soon as she opened the door to her room.

"Meredith?"

"Promise you won't hurt me Derek. That you won't hurt Madison."

"Yes."

"Promise."

"I promise Meredith."

He kissed her softly again before making love to her for the first time in five years.

* * *

Izzy and George walked into the house through the back door and heard a flurry of noises in the house. They looked at each other for a moment before heading toward the kitchen table. 

Izzy pulled out chocolate cake and looked at George, "Want some?"

"Sure."

Izzy walked over with two glasses of milk and cake.

"You know George, the brightside is that Meredith is happy."

"Downside, we're going to have more sleepless nights in Seattle."

"I think I have earplugs in my room."

George dove into his cake and thought for a moment.

"Izzy… did you get anything for Meredith's birthday yet?"

"No. Why?"

"I think we should get her a new mattress."

_I guess sometimes when you make your play with cards; you end up with the joker. Which can be anything._

* * *

Whew! Well there's another chapter down. Anyway, I'm thinking that this story will be completed in… 11 or 14 chapters? What do you guys think? Let me know. 

--I'll keep you my dirty little secret.

Dirty Little Secret by The All American Rejects


	10. Running In Circles

Author's Note: Wow. This had been a _really really _long time. I am so sorry to everyone that has been waiting. But with graduation coming up it's difficult for me to turn down an opportunity to hang out with my friends before we go our separate ways. Most of us are going to go to the same school but the classes we're taking and such are different. Anyway, you guys are all still really important. But when I was reflecting on this story I realized that a kidnapping would add _way_ to must drama for my tastes, so I present you with a re-write. Since I am on spring break, I will offer you something. If I reach 200 reviews by Thursday (today is Tuesday), then I will make this story 17 chapters long _and_ I will try to update once or twice a week. But I will be out of town the week after next week so I'll try my best to provide you with 3 or 4 updates before I leave. If you review, I'll write. I'm just addicted to them. I know you don't want to read my rambling anymore so here's is the re-write of _Chasing Time _Chapter 10.

**Chapter 10 – Rewrite – Running in Circles

* * *

**

"DEREK STOP!" Meredith broke out into a large grin Derek quickly worked his one-million-dollar-a-year hand on her stomach. He knew that her waist was her most ticklish spot and he wouldn't stop.

"Aww come on. You can't bring someone down like that Mer."

"Derek…." He smiled as he looked at their reflection in the mirror. He turned his head for a moment and sighed. Right now, everything was perfect. Madison was off at a friend's and they had the whole house to themselves.

"Are you using my toothbrush again?" Meredith looked up at Derek and saw him raise his eyebrows.

Meredith bit the side of her toothpaste-covered lip and looked at the white and blue toothbrush.

"Maybe…" It sounded like _'mahhh-beeeee' _but Derek understood somehow.

Derek smiled and looked at her with his perfect indigo eyes, "You know what that means right?"

"No. Don't!" Meredith quickly spit out the foam and turn to try to run but Derek pinned her back to the sink with his hands on either said of her waist. As if she was light as a feather, he picked her up and threw her up on his shoulder and walked down the stairs, heading for the kitchen with the toothbrush dropping into the sink. Derek set her down on table and took out a can of whipped cream. He took the nozzle and pointed it directly at her, "All's fair in love and war."

"Derek." Meredith giggled and pick up the adjacent bowl of fruit. She held it up to his chin and couldn't stop laughing when she saw the shocked look on his face.

"What are you planning to do Meredith? Feed me."

"No fair. You got something better."

"Yeah. I got you." Derek quickly leaned in filling the gap between them. He felt her smile against his lips as he picked her up again.

"I'm. So. Glad. That. We're. Not. Working. Today," said Meredith in between kisses.

"Me. Too. In. fact…" Derek pulled away and set Meredith down on the table again until they were exactly eye level. "I want you to know that I'm sorry. I know that I left and it was unfair. I didn't want to leave you. I just wanted to fix the mistakes that I made. And I'm sorry."

"Derek… please don't bring this up…"

Meredith turned her head. She couldn't bear face him. Facing him meant that she had to look into his eyes. And that meant telling the truth… about how she felt. Derek sensed this and turned to the side and moved to be under her. Just do that his nose barely brushed hers. She beat him by 4 inches in height and thus forced her to look into his eyes.

"I love you Meredith. I don't know what I was thinking. I love you and I love Madison."

"I…" She couldn't say it. The words hurt. Meredith knew that the moment that she would say those three words, she would just get hurt again. Feel the pain that burned through her heart every night for the last five years. It was easy to love him but not to forgive him or be completely honest. If there was one thing that Meredith Grey was scared of these days was telling the truth. Why? Because the truth hurts.

* * *

"_I don't understand what to do anymore." Meredith pulled her coat against her chest to look out the frigid winter air. New York was freezing. She instantly placed her hands on her swollen stomach protecting her unborn child from the cold. Meredith looked at Mark._

"_I don't know what I should tell you. Derek was my best friend. I really want to make it up to him but… you know how stubborn he can be. I'm actually surprised that he came back with Addison instead of putting up a fight to stay in Seatttle…"_

_His eyes gave off a sincere look with was hard to hate… or doubt. A moment of silence crept over them. Meredith removed her hands from her stomach and placed them on the edges of her forehead. Why did life have to suck so much?_

"_Why'd you sleep with Addison?" _

_Mark was taken aback by this… the answer was pretty obvious but it seemed like he and Meredith know the feeling of rejection… the feeling of fear… of being the dirty ex-mistress._

"_I'm in love with her. I needed to do something. She was vulnerable and I wanted her. Derek found us and left. She stayed with me. It was all okay until she left for Seattle and then she never really came back."_

_Manhattan General Hospital was definitely one of the best in the country. And possibly the world. Meredith looked at the landscape. Night had fallen and the chill in the air became colder. Mark comfortingly placed his hands on top of hers, "You need to tell him how you feel Meredith."_

"_Life never goes to the side of the dirty ex-mistresses." _

"_Yeah. But it just depends on how it will all go down. You need to tell him…"_

"_Only if you tell Addison."_

"_Do you wanna know secret?"_

"_Sure. I'm here in New York… waiting for the love of my life and his wife… I've got time."_

"_Addison never told Derek about us. The affair was longer than just that once… and after Derek left."_

_  
Meredith raised her eyebrows. 'McSteamy and Addison have been hiding this for how long?'_

"_Really? Seriously?"_

"_Oh yeah. Total, one and a half years. The year came after Derek left. Addison and I were emotionally involved for six months before we actually… you know. She called me over one night when she was feeling lonely and needed someone to talk to. Next thing you know we were on the bed, Derek walks in, turns are and leaves."_

"_Oh…"_

_BEEP BEEP BEEP_

_"Well I have to take this. If you're ever in New York and in need of a bed to sleep in…"_

"_I'm okay."_

"_I hope you make the right decision. With Derek. Who knows maybe Addison will come back to me."_

"_I hope things go down on our side."_

"_Bye Meredith."_

"_Mark."

* * *

_

"What's wrong?" Derek looked at Meredith and saw the extreme hurt in her eyes.

"I went to New York to go after you."

* * *

Well, one down… it depends on you for the number of chapters left. 

--when she's not bleeding on the ballroom floor just for the attention

Time to Dance by Panic! At the Disco – one of the best bands on the planet


	11. Catching the Past & Running

Author's Note: Oh my… it has been quite a while since I've updated, over a month. Nearly two. So here I am now, graduation is later this week so it might be a tad more emotional I'm not sure. Please keep reading. I won't give up.

**Chasing Time: Chapter 11: Catching the Past, Running from the Future**

_Previously on Chasing Time:_

"_I don't understand what to do anymore." Meredith pulled her coat against her chest to look out the frigid winter air. New York was freezing. She instantly placed her hands on her swollen stomach protecting her unborn child from the cold. Meredith looked at Mark._

"_I don't know what I should tell you. Derek was my best friend. I really want to make it up to him but… you know how stubborn he can be. I'm actually surprised that he came back with Addison instead of putting up a fight to stay in Seatttle…"_

_His eyes gave off a sincere look with was hard to hate… or doubt. A moment of silence crept over them. Meredith removed her hands from her stomach and placed them on the edges of her forehead. Why did life have to suck so much?_

"_Why'd you sleep with Addison?" _

_Mark was taken aback by this… the answer was pretty obvious but it seemed like he and Meredith know the feeling of rejection… the feeling of fear… of being the dirty ex-mistress._

"_I'm in love with her. I needed to do something. She was vulnerable and I wanted her. Derek found us and left. She stayed with me. It was all okay until she left for Seattle and then she never really came back."_

_Manhattan General Hospital was definitely one of the best in the country. And possibly the world. Meredith looked at the landscape. Night had fallen and the chill in the air became colder. Mark comfortingly placed his hands on top of hers, "You need to tell him how you feel Meredith."_

"_Life never goes to the side of the dirty ex-mistresses." _

"_Yeah. But it just depends on how it will all go down. You need to tell him…"_

"_Only if you tell Addison."_

"_Do you wanna know secret?"_

"_Sure. I'm here in New York… waiting for the love of my life and his wife… I've got time."_

"_Addison never told Derek about us. The affair was longer than just that once… and after Derek left."_

_  
Meredith raised her eyebrows. 'McSteamy and Addison have been hiding this for how long?'_

"_Really? Seriously?"_

"_Oh yeah. Total, one and a half years. The year came after Derek left. Addison and I were emotionally involved for six months before we actually… you know. She called me over one night when she was feeling lonely and needed someone to talk to. Next thing you know we were on the bed, Derek walks in, turns are and leaves."_

"_Oh…"_

_BEEP BEEP BEEP_

"_Well I have to take this. If you're ever in New York and in need of a bed to sleep in…"_

"_I'm okay."_

"_I hope you make the right decision. With Derek. Who knows maybe Addison will come back to me."_

"_I hope things go down on our side."_

"_Bye Meredith."_

"_Mark." _

--

"What's wrong?" Derek looked at Meredith and saw the extreme hurt in her eyes.

"I went to New York to go after you."

* * *

**Chapter 11: Catching the Past, Running from the Future**

Derek turned his head and looked at Meredith who now got off thetable and circled around the island of the kitchen toward the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of water. Meredith's breaths were slow and steady as she looked to Derek for some notion that he was still there mentally.

"What?" Derek's eyes followed Meredith's every movement, hoping that she would give him an answer to settle his inner turmoil.

"I went after you. After I found out I was pregnant. I wanted you back and I figured that a baby would be the solution but…" Meredith looked at the sink seeing her rippled reflection embedded into the metallic surface. It didn't seem like much but there was more that she did…

* * *

_Addison drummed her fingers on her juju. The hot liquid swayed back and forth. As she looked up, Meredith Grey came walking down the hall with a swollen stomach. _

"_Meredith," Addison barely whispered her name in complete shock._

"_Addison, can I ask you for a favor?" Meredith swallowed hoping that Addison would say no and let her head back to Seattle but some part of Meredith screamed out to Addison for help. Help with the unborn child she was carrying._

"_Sure. What do you need?"_

_Meredith shrugged, "Medical advice? Privately."_

_Addison nodded still shocked, "Does Derek know?"_

"_That's the thing. I want an exam… just to be sure everything is alright. I'm already here right? But I don't want Derek to know."_

"_Okay, go to exam…" Addison looked down at the nurses log and saw a few open rooms. 'Derek's in surgery in OR 3… the furthest room is… 734' "734. I need to finish this chart and I'll see you there in a few. Derek is in surgery by the way. Last time I checked he still has…7 more hours."

* * *

_

_In exam 734, Meredith nervously sat on the bed and absentmindedly staring off into oblivion. Addison knocked and Meredith nodded for her to walk in. Addison quickly closed the curtain behind her. _

"_Meredith…"_

"_Addison… please."_

"_I won't tell Derek if you don't want me too but please tell me, why are you here?"_

"_I want Derek to come back to Seattle."_

"_Oh." Addison turned looking at the ultrasound._

"_But I'm not going to bring him back. I screwed things up. I should have known that he was married. A wedding ring in his closet, a torn photo of him in a tuxedo with a veil hanging on the side…"_

_Addison accidentally curled her fists at the thought of Derek tearing a picture of them at their wedding but she quickly shook it off realizing that this was not the time to bring that up._

"_Meredith, I won't tell him. Doctor patiently confidentially. But I advise you to."_

"_I know. Can we get on with the exam?"_

"_Sure. One more question, why me? It is to make me jealous or…"_

"_It's nothing like that. I want the best. Plain and simple."_

_Addison smiled at the compliment and quickly began the exam.

* * *

_

"ADDISON KNEW!" Derek's eyes filled with rage.

"Derek, please don't be mad," Meredith was pleading, _pleading_ for him to calm down, for her to explain her feelings to him.

"What do you want me to do Meredith? _Sad_ or maybe I should be _jealous._ Jealous that you told my _ex-wife that cheated _one me that you were pregnant but you couldn't take two damn seconds to tell me, the _father!_" Derek was sure as hell angry, his eyes blazed a deathly red shade. Meredith's breath quickened as she looked to her sides for an escape if Derek got too angry.

"I'm sorry! I just couldn't…"

"Couldn't what Meredith? You have got to take responsibility for things in your life, _for once._"

That was it. Meredith had endured Derek's lies, lived through him being gone, and was willing to give this relationship another chance but now he was telling her to take responsibility?

"Me _take responsibility?_ What the hell are you trying to say? I raised _my_ daughter for five years without _any_ of your help and you are calling _me_ irresponsible? I gave you another chance after you left. How about you take responsibility Derek? I find out you have a _wife_ and then you turn around and _walk away._ That's it. No goodbye or apologies or anything. You just walked away. Take responsibility for what you did. For breaking my heart. I had no obligation to tell you about Madison. _None at all_. I don't believe you have the fucking audacity to tell me to take responsibility." Meredith's tiny ineffectual fists curled tightly, "Leave Derek."

"What?"

"Leave. Walk away. Do what you do best."

With that, Derek turned and left, "This is over Meredith. I'll be back to get my daughter."

Meredith shut her eyes and tried to pretend that none of this happened. She quickly reached for the phone, "Merci West? About that 6 month temporary program…"

* * *

Oh wow, I'll tell you something, I didn't expecta fight when I was writing this chapter. Seriously I wasn't it just came to me. Wow. Anyway review of this might not end the way you want it too because I'll have to cut it short. I love you.

--and if you have a minute why don't we go, talk about it somewhere only we know

Somewhere Only We Know by Keane


	12. You're Killing Me

Author's Note: Sorry for the wait. This is pretty angsty too. Anyway, I know my chapter came as a shock but I couldn't help it. There's that dose of drama you wanted. Review for me please!

Oh and my deepest apologies to BigThaddyDaddy. You posted the song before me. I feel like such a copier. I need the angst… I am so sorry.

* * *

_What if I wanted to break? Laugh it all, laugh in your face. What would you do?_

Meredith replayed all of the fights she had with Derek in her mind. It was all so clear. Too clear. It was ironic. In the blink of an eye, Meredith could recall every bad moment she had experienced with Derek crystal clear. As if it happened a mere minutes ago. But the good times, the memories that brought a smile to her face, those were fuzzy. Blurred.

It was like she saw those through ice. Everything was distorted. Sure she would remember a kiss, a feeling but it wasn't in any sort of detail. She remembered every breakdown, every tear. Every damn miserable moment of her life was clear.

_Damnit._ Meredith cursed in her head over and over again. The scene replayed,

"_ADDISON KNEW!" Derek's eyes filled with rage._

"_Derek, please don't be mad," Meredith was pleading, pleading for him to calm down, for her to explain her feelings to him._

"_What do you want me to do Meredith? Sad or maybe I should be jealous. Jealous that you told my ex-wife that cheated one me that you were pregnant but you couldn't take two damn seconds to tell me, the father!" Derek was sure as hell angry, his eyes blazed a deathly red shade. Meredith's breath quickened as she looked to her sides for an escape if Derek got too angry._

"_I'm sorry! I just couldn't…"_

Tears slipped down Meredith's cheeks. Her eyes stinging.

_What if I fell to the floor? Couldn't take this anymore? What would you do, do, do?_

The phone was still in her hand… _Miss, are you a doctor? Miss, what is your name? Hello?_

The grip on the phone tightened and Meredith hung up. She knew that she could _never_ transfer to Mercy West. She almost scoffed at the thought. Light streamed in through the kitchen giving if an eerie glow. It was so empty. Meredith saw her only lonely self sitting at the table tears pouring down, her father looked at her and murmured something inaudible. Meredith shut her eyes tightly. She buried the memory. She _needed _to bury it. Meredith sat in the spot and hit her fists on the table as hard as she could, the fruit and whipped cream falling off were complete oblivious. Her fists slammed against the wood again and again. The sting of each impact was growing but she didn't care. She needed to just be happy. Find something to be happy, screw misery.

_Come break me down. Bury me, bury me. I'm not finished with you._

A soft knock on the door broke Meredith out of her trance. She looked at the back door reluctantly. Whoever it was had saved her from her own self destruction. She looked out, only to see the one and only Derek Sheperd. He looked like he had been crying but it didn't matter.

"MEREDITH! LET ME IN!" He screamed at the top of his lungs. Derek needed to get to her.

Meredith shook her head. Anger radiating. Derek saw that he shouldn't have come. He was the one that screwed up, he overacted. Why? It was obvious. He loved Madison and missed the important moments. Her existence was bare none to him yet to his _ex-_wife, it was known. It was something where the odds were not in his favor.

"DAMNIT MEREDITH!" Derek pounded his fists on the door, hoping with his heavy heart that it would give way.

_**Crack**_

The glass now had a semi-thick crack on it. Streaming with blood. Derek's blood.

"MEREDITH PLEASE!" Derek begged.

Meredith looked off. He deserved the pain. He deserved the misery. It killed her. It _hurt _her. Seeing him beg like this, _pleading_ to her. But he wanted him to know how it felt. How it felt to be pleading with your soul but disregarded. At this moment, he was wearing his heart on his sleeve and Meredith didn't care. At least she didn't want to admit that she did.

"No," the word barely escaped her lips, "NO! NEVER TO YOU," the volume and intensity in Meredith's voice escaladed. She was screaming. Screaming her heart out. What was left of it at least. "YOU _HURT _ME! CAN'T YOU _SEE_ HOW HURT I AM DEREK?" Meredith held up her now blue, purple, and black fists.

Derek looked at her. Blood stained the window, casting a red glow on the wood.

"Meredith…"

"No," Meredith angrily shook her head. "NEVER! I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU DESTROY ME ANYMORE! I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY!"

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT I DO?" Derek looked at her. Pulling at the doorknob, Derek yelled. He yelled to try to get through to her. He _needed_ to make her understand. "IT BREAKS MY HEART TO SEE YOU LIKE THIS MER!"

"I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!"

"PLEASE."

Meredith intently looked down at the down, her breathing irregular. It tore her apart to see him like this. She loved him. With all her heart and more. She saw the bleeding, hell she _felt_ the bleeding.

What Meredith Grey did next, she would regret.

_What I wanted to fight? Beg for the rest of my life. What would you do, do, do?_

The ice graced Derek's hand. It was saving him in a way. Letting him relax. He welcomed the feeling. It cooled him down. Meredith sat atop the counter holding both icepacks to her severely bruised fists.

"You wanted to talk. So talk," Meredith's voice laced with bitterness.

"Meredith, I'm sorry." Derek looked up hopefully.

"Sorry?"

"I'm sorry for doing this. I overacted. I…"

"You're sorry?"

"Please Meredith, let me love you. Let me have you. You and Madison. Let us be happy. Tell me that everything is going to be okay again. That you care and-" Derek was cut short.

"_Sorry_. You have a wife. You left Seattle for you wife. Leaving me here. _Heart-broken._ _Pregnant._ With _your_ child no less. You come back five years later, tell me that you still "love me" and "care." I take you back. I love you. You love me. And Madison. You-"

"Since when is this about me?" mumbled Derek quietly. Meredith's eyes suddenly became ice cold. She heard.

"Do you have _any_ idea of what I went through when you left? You _shattered_ me heart and me into a million tiny pieces. A huge part of me _died._ Just faded away. Everything that I wanted. Everything that I _needed_. You killed me Derek. You broke me. You did this. Not my mother, not my father. _You._"

"I can make it go away."

"No, you can't. I take you back. I let myself love you. I let you love Madison. Then one day, I decided to be _honest_. Something you lack. I told you I went after you. So I consulted your wife for medical advice for my child-"

"_Our_ child." Derek corrected. It had become a habit. Every night, they would lay together and Madison would want to stay with her parents at one point or another. Derek and Meredith would tell her stories and hug her until she feel into a peaceful slumber. Then _every_ time, Meredith would gently whisper, "This is my daughter/child." Derek would instantly correct her with 'our.' It was perfect what they had. It was love and family.

"No. You go crazy, angry. And now you're sorry. Sorry for _what_? For being angry? For hurting me?"

"For everything. I really am-"

"SORRY ISN'T ENOUGH DAMNIT! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU DID DEREK? DO YOU _KNOW_ THE PAIN THAT I FEEL?"

"Yes, I do."

"_NO YOU DON'T!_I'm tired. I'm exhausted. From you. From you pretending to care about me. Pretending to love me. Pretending to feel what I feel. Because you can't." And that was all that Meredith Grey could take she threw herself off the counter letting the icepacks hit the floor smashing open. Ice spilling everywhere.

_You said you wanted more. What are you waiting for? I'm not running from you._

"WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT DAMNIT!" Derek challenged her. He challenged her to open up and tell him.

"I want you to leave. To go. TO LET ME HURT ON MY OWN! I DON'T WANT YOU TO KILL ME!"

"In all honesty-" Derek was cut short by Meredith's disbelief, her cold eyes melting exposing the pent up anger she had hidden deep beneath her.

"_HONESTY_! ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? Now you want to be _honest?_" Everytime Meredith said honest, her voice filled with disdain. She was looking right into his eyes. Screaming out for him. For him to let her go. Let her heal.

"I'VE BEEN HONEST! I POURED MY HEART AND SOUL TO YOU!"

"If you _honest_, none of this would have happen Derek. You know damn well that you broke me. I've told you. You have barely been _honest_. Since the beginning of our so-called relationship, I wore my heart of my sleeve. All barriers gone. I thought I found the person I wanted to spend_ the rest of my life with_. You told me _nothing_. I told you _everything." _

"Why is it me? WHY AM I THE ONE THAT YOU BLAME? I WAS HURT TOO!"

"You _hurt?_ Bullshit." Meredith looked at him in the eye again. Searching for some reason, some reason that she should hate him. A reason to make the hurt go away.

_Look in my eyes, you're killing me, killing me. All I wanted was you._

"Meredith look at me. Look at how much I want you. _I need you_. Isn't that enough to show you that I'm hurt too? To stand here and argue knowing that I can probably never have you again."

"Then what the hell are we doing here?" Meredith almost whispered those words. Her temper cooling, "I hate this. I HATE KNOWING THAT I LOVE YOU!"

"I LOVE YOU MEREDITH! WHY ARE YOU MAKING THIS HARD?"

"You _yelled_ at me. _Threatened _me. You made everything this way. Not me."

"I love you. I _need_ you. When will that be enough?"

"_Enough?_ Derek, how many times will we have this conversation? There will _never_ be enough."

"_Meredith…"_

"_I want you to go upstairs, kiss Madison, tell her you love her, go home and go to work tomorrow. I don't want this Derek."_

"_After all this time, you still trust and love me. Shouldn't that be enough?"_

"_Enough… there will never be enough Derek. I'm a sink with an open drain. The day you left, you pulled the plug. There is no enough."_

"_When will there be enough Meredith? Today I poured my heart and soul to you and Madison."_

"_There will never be enough."_

"Meredith…"

"Just leave Derek. Let me feel again. Let me love again."

_What if I wanted to break? What if I? What if I?_

"Please. I can't go on without you."

"You can and you have." Meredith's words became grave. Her expression indifferent.

For the first time, Derek fully understood what he had done. He had hurt her worse than he could imagine. He had taken everything he ever truly cared for and ruined it. He was the one to blame. Not Meredith, Meredith had been kind, she had been _okay_ with everything. For the most part at least. He made her into this. He made her cold. He made her indifferent.

"I have to go pick up Madison," Meredith's voice broke his trance just as his did a mere 15 minutes ago. Meredith glanced up at his eyes before reaching for the ice bowl, they suddenly changed, guilt filling every part of his irises. Meredith felt her heart scream to her, tell her to tell him that she loves him. Before its too late. But Meredith knew she had said it too many times already, that one more would kill her more than the others had. She disregarded the feeling but opened her mouth as to say something then shut it quickly.

Derek nodded before turning around and leaving looking at Meredith, his heart nearly stopping. _I did this._

Just as the door was about to shut, Derek whispered, "I'm sorry. I understand."

Meredith held the bowl of ice in her hand, for the first time, she believed him.

Reality hit as Meredith's pager came to life. She looked at it, it was Izzy.

_911 Madison_.

* * *

WHOOAAA. That was more intense than I thought it would be. But there you go 2161 words of Derek/Meredith angst. It will be a happy ending. I can guarantee that. Review please. I'm begging. Oh and the song is The Kill by _30 Seconds to Mars._

--somedays you're singing outloud

Say Anything (Else) by Cartel


	13. The Vaccine

Author's Note: Sorry I've been offline for so long. But here I am. _Second to last chapter baby._ I feel so bad that I've been gone-ish the whole summer. Forgive me?

_Reality hit as Meredith's pager came to life. She looked at it, it was Izzy. _

_911 Madison._

88888888888888888888888888888

Chapter 13: The Vaccine

Emotions. They toy with you. Like little kids with their "action figures" and Barbies. Funny thing about emotions is, the more you try to control it, the more out of control it becomes. But no matter what, emotions mess with you. And fate. You see, Fate and Emotions were once the best of friends, hiding deep in the clouds and behind the sun, making life wonderful for all they could manage. One day, Fate decided that sometimes one's emotions should be given tests of their faith and to make them stronger. Emotions told Fate that she should not meddle with the time stream for their father (yes, Father Time. Work with me. I know this is getting lame. But I'm writing on a whim.) did not like that. Fate told Emotions to stay out of it. A huge argument sprang and their dearest mother who knew that there had to be a balance to everything (yes… Mother Nature), told Fate to hid in the stars and Emotions to hide in the moon. Fate would work the world how she saw fit and Emotions would do her best also. Point is… when Fate took hold of Meredith and Derek, Emotions decided that it was time she had her control.

------

Derek hadn't even bothered to shut the door. He left it open and let the words of their fight flow loosely in the wind. The breeze swirled around him, the words Meredith said rang in his ear as if the breeze had carried them. Looking at the kitchen one last time, he saw Meredith was no longer there… probably bandaging her hands and getting supplies to clean the kitchen. His heart thudded in his chest at an irregular beat. The sun's rays shone in his eyes, blinding him… almost. Derek shook his head and felt the guilt settle into his brain like those tumors that he would always operate on… only now, _his_ intern was the _only_ person that could _ever_ remove it.

Shoving his hands into his pockets, Derek solemnly walked to his car in hopes that she would just come out the door and yell, 'I forgive you.' But Derek knew reality and had faced it many times even though nowadays he's been living in a dream world. Violently slamming the keys into the ignition, Derek drove to work. Little did he know, that the moment he got their, he would realize that his life would change forever.

------

Meredith was never one to be completely unreasonable. Something inside of her told her to thoroughly think things through before she acted. That acting on a whim was _never_ acceptable… unless she was drunk. So the argument she had had with Derek was _definitely_ something that she did not expect.(A/N: Truthfull, I never expected the argument either... weird eh?) Logic was the way to go. Mr. Forgo had told her otherwise that Fate would always have something in store for her if she just let thing be. That if she didn't plan everything out and go over it in her head a thousand times, things would settle in her favor once in a while. But _only_ if she let it happen that way. Was he ever wrong? In this case yes. The scene replayed over and over. The first argument and the storm out was completely erased and filled with the fresh memory of her inability to express her emotions normally. Or at least that was what her mother would say. Either way, Meredith Grey and logic were quite chummy. Until now.

The streets that were usually congested at this time of day were empty. It was like Fate swooped her kind hand down and made everyone be somewhere else. _Maybe if I just Fate a chance…_Meredith shook her head and overlooked the feeling. Wondering how she could even _think_ that something so ridiculous was okay. Her and Derek were _over_. No second chance. _Damnit. Why couldn't there be a vaccine to McDreamy? Or even better… misery._ Again, Meredith shook the thought and focused on the road. And her daughter.

_Why _am_ I thinking about Derek anyway? I should be focusing on _Madison.

_That's because, your maternal instincts tell you that she's just fine._

Meredith jumped. Who was that other voice in her head? _Common sense. Duh._

It didn't matter because as soon as Meredith pulled into the ER she ran in, her breathing shallow as if she wasn't breathing at all. Nearly hysterical, Meredith saw George and grabbed him firmly by the collar of his scrubs, "_Where. Is. My. Daughter._"

"Up…upstairs. With Izzy. She's… f…fine Meredith," George slowly stuttered out, shocked yet proud of his friend's amazing strength.

"Thanks George," Meredith pivoted her heel and ran up the steps.

------

Derek looked out into the parking lot from the foyer-like catwalk that connected the east wing of the hospital with the west. He needed to make this up to Meredith. He needed to tell her that he is sincerely sorry. _How do I do that anyway_? The voice in the back of his mind asked.

_You idiot. The elevator,_ replied another voice.

Derek swiveled around and sighed. It was then he heard someone call his name, "DADDY!"

Derek turned at the sound of his name and saw Madison smiling up at him. She had a bandage on her forehead and an inhaler tightly gripped in her hand. Derek picked her up and she wrapped her arms tightly around his neck, "Hi Daddy," a smile crept up to her lips.

"Madison… what are you doing here?" Derek looked at Madison who frowned at the question. He _almost_ regretted asking her. Almost.

"I fell down," replied Madison softly. She averted her father's eyes and shifted in a way that obviously meant 'put-me-down.' Derek set his daughter gently down and turned his head, "How'd you fall sw-"

Derek was cut off by Madison running off.

------

When Meredith saw Izzy run toward her she panicked, "Izzy."

"She's fine. Just asthma attack… thing is… I can't find her," Izzy put on a nervous smile and took a set back as to avoid the piano hanging over her head. But she knew that those things tend to follow you no matter how hard and far you run.

"WHAT!" Meredith's eyes widened in shock as she looked at her friend. For now at least.

"She kinda ran off…" Izzy timidly turned her head only to see Madison bounding down the hallway as if nothing had happened at all, "But I was kidding. She's right behind ya Mer."

As soon as Meredith set her eyes on Madison, Izzy thanked her lucky stars because her pager went off causing the possible Meredith explosion on joking about something serious. Well Izzy hoped that Meredith thought it was a joke.

"Madison…" Meredith cleared her voice to change her tone, "Don't you _ever_ do that to me again young lady. Scare me like that."

Madison nodded before she jumped up and tightly embraced her mother.

Then Meredith's eyes met Derek's.

…and he began to walk over to them…

------

But Fate and Emotions were interrupted at this moment because Father Time decided to settle this matter once and for all…

------

Yeahhhhhhh. It's a bit disappointing. It is for me at least. Everything is _so_ off character in this story. Oh to start over. However I can't do that. REVIEW PLEASE !

**Important! Please read this:** Chasing Time _will_ be completed tomorrow. On chapter 14. There _will_ be an author's note for chapter 15 which I _strongly urge you to read!_ It contains a lot of information. Possible spoilers and story status'. I _have_ come to terms with myself on Remind Me Why. With school starting there is no way I can update. And personally I'm not sure where I am going with the story. There is a possibility that it will be a one-shot. Unless you convince me otherwise. Reach for Me in undoubtedly on hold. I need to see some CristinaBurke crisis development from the impending season to get everything in character. Anyway to end this, if you have a myspace. Let me know… we can be friends. :) oh & **_review!_**

------

--I wanna have the same last dream again… the one where I wake up and I'm alive.

The Adventure by Angels & Airwaves


	14. Catch

**Chapter 14: **Faith

* * *

She ran… and Meredith Grey was not a runner. She walked away, ignored, judge, and criticized but she was not a runner. Meredith took in a confused breath as she opened the door to the stairwell. She heard it slam shut as she ran down the stairs, further and further away from him. Izzie or George knew that they would take Madison home and she would call them later to remind them but if there was one place that Meredith Grey could not be it was standing anywhere near Derek Sheperd. Struggling with her keys her arm started to shake. Shutting the door of her Jeep tightly, she shut her eyes while tossing the keys into the ignition. There was only one place that she could go…

Flipping her cell phone opened, Meredith began to dial. It rang a few times before a timid voice answered, "Iz?"

"Yeah?" Izzie questioned softly as she finished the sentence she was writing in the chart.

Meredith turned into the freeway on-ramp and started to speed, "Izzie, I _need_ to get out. I need space."

"M-Mer?" Izzie started to sound worried. Her casual, joking voice had faded away revealing a compassionate side to Izzie that was such a huge part of her. As she took a moment to think about her friend, Izzie replied, "Are you okay?'

"I need to escape. Just for a little while. Take care of Madison for me?" Meredith started speeding even faster, "I know that I shouldn't leave her but I can't face him Iz. Not anymore."

Izzie paused for a moment, moving her right arm up and down in odd gestures trying to understand what her friend was telling her, "You can't just run away Mer. You know that you can't. The past comes back to get you and running away just makes it harder to deal with it later."

"I-I know I just can't be in Seattle right now. I need my space and air. I have to starting breathing again. And start feeling again."

"What happened?"

"Derek and I had an argument… the kitchen needs cleaning by the way," Meredith exited off the freeway and toward a coffee shop hoping that the caffeine would give her mind the boost that it needed, "and it ended. He-We-_I _made it very clear that we can't have a relationship. There's too much between us."

"Running off to the airport to go somewhere isn't going to solve anything Meredith," Izzie stated a matter-of-factly, not noticing that someone overheard her.

* * *

Derek Sheperd was known for how he could just walk away from his problems. When he caught Addison cheating on him with Mark, he walked away. Just as he had when Meredith found out about Addison. Though he loved her then and now, hell he would _always_ love her… he realized that relationship was broken and time could heal it and that he would return one day when the wounds were healed and they would started over, begin again and find the strength in themselves as well as those they cared about to move on a start a new life. He wasn't going to give up _just_ yet. Madison's hand had long slid into his and he saw the little girl smile. She had Meredith's undoubtedly. Then he remembered the fight, the indifference that was etched in her eye. Derek couldn't believe that he was one that caused her to break and fall. Like a vase…

Madison started skipped as Derek took longer strides to match his daughter's pace. Walking over to the nurses station he saw Izzie madly gesturing, "Running off to the airport to go somewhere isn't going to solve anything Meredith."

Derek froze; Meredith was running away. She was leaving him with Madison and she was escaping… Madison's hand slid out of Derek's as she rocked back and forth smiling.

After an aggravated moment, Izzie snapped her phone shut and sighed. Derek called out to her, "Dr. Stevens, please watch Madison!"

Madison bounded over to her aunt while Derek pivoted on his heel and took off…

He had to get to the airport before it was too late.

* * *

Sipping her latte while exiting the coffee shop, Meredith thought of where she was going to go. She didn't want to go anywhere in the area. In truth, she preferred seclusion. It gave her a better chance to not get hurt…

Driving off again, a few tears sprung to her eyes. It wasn't like her to just give up her entire world in a second. But all in all, Meredith knew that this was a mistake. A mistake that she had to make…

Sloppily parking and heading out, Meredith fiddled with her purse trying to locate the nearest usable credit card. Upon reaching the check-in counter, she looked at the woman working, "What is the soonest flight I can get on?"

The woman looked at Meredith and quickly typed in a few words, "Where to?"

"Just the next flight," Meredith answered simply, her foot starting a rhythmic toe-tap.

Exchanging glances with the screen and Meredith, the woman looked utterly confused. A few moments later, she made an attempt to understand, "Spur of the moment?"

"You could say that."

A smile reached woman before she gave her the information that she needed, "Five to Chicago."

Meredith handed the woman her credit card and nodded. A few moments later the transaction was made, Meredith headed off to security, holding in a breath, hoping that this was what she needed all the while knowing that nothing could be more wrong.

* * *

Derek ran up to the check-in counter faster than he ever ran before. Unable to speak coherent sentences, the woman had to start for him, "You are heading?"

"I was hoping that you could tell me…"

"Spur of the moment," an all knowing smile reached her face.

"Yeah… I just need to… get through to someone," Derek said while he was thumbing through his wallet to find the appropriate payment plan.

"You're not the first one today that needs a spur of the moment trip. A young lady came by about five minutes ago. Bought a ticket to Chicago."

Derek stopped and made eye contact with the woman, "Was she blonde?"

"Dirty yes. Beautiful woman. Seemed distant though. I hope she gets through her problems… so where do you wanna go?"

"Chicago."

* * *

Unsure of whether she should choose turkey or chicken, Meredith blinked a few times looking at the small sandwich place's menu. Shifting her weight from one foot to the other, her heart thudded in her chest. It was so hard to decide. Left or right, dark or light.

_Sadness or happiness_. A voice in her head told her. Walking up to the clerk, she muttered, "I'll have…"

"The special of the day?" He supplied hopefully.

"No…"

"Smoked bacon avocado?"

"No," Meredith implied forcefully before turning around, running into someone in the process.

"Mer?" He questioned her softly, his arms gripping her shoulders.

Avoiding his gaze at all cost, she tried to step out of his arms but all the attempts she made, failed, "Lemme go Derek."

"No, I'm not going to let you walk away just like I did," His grip tightened, he _needing_ to get through to her, "I'm _so sorry_."

"That isn't enough," she was even going to attempt to yell. That was pretty clear a few hours ago.

"I don't want you to go Meredith. We can work this out. We're us."

"Derek…"

"Right now," Derek started, "I am going to give you a choice. Leave or go. If you leave, you're going to give up everything. I know you will. So what's it going to be Meredith?"

They both knew that all the words that needed to be exchanged, already were. It was done and finished and all Meredith had to do was take a turn, left or right…

* * *

Madison happily skipped into school. It was her first day of kindergarten and she was more than thrilled. It was hard on her lately, but with people that loved her around her, she would make it through and she knew that. As a new five year old, she knew that the world was at her fingertips and all she had to do was dip them in the paint and see what happens…

Derek sighed as he watched his daughter walk into the school, "She's so bright. Overall."

The figure next to him looked straight ahead and managed a small smile, "Yeah. Just like us."

Derek intertwined his fingers with Meredith and for once she didn't object. At the airport on that day, she opted to leave, Derek let her go and watched her walk away from him. A short hour later, there she was, walking into the bar smiling. When he saw her, she slid into the seat next to him, "Wanna buy me a drink?"

They both had realized that the tangled webs that they wove drove them into this in the first place and it was near impossible to think or how they could go back to the way there were. Meredith made eye contact with Derek before focusing on the swing set a few feet away.

"Are," Derek ventured, "we okay?"

"Yeah, we're okay…"

"Do you think I caught up with the past?" Derek asked as he pulled her closed to him slightly, his free hand tucking back a strand of loose hair.

"You're getting there. We both are."

_Pain is like a shadow. It follows you wherever you go. But sometimes, it disappears leaving a pure ray of happiness._


	15. Chasing Time

Author's Note:

There are so many things that I want to tell you…

First of all, thank you for following the journey of Meredith and Derek. I really appreciate you taking time out of your life just to read my story. It means a lot to me that you did and I will _always_ be grateful.

Secondly, I'd like to apologize for my lack of updates and the quality of work in my chapter. I understand that it was pretty bad but I did the best I can with the time I have…

Finally, I would like to let you know that my story, Changing Fate will most likely be my last Grey's Anatomy story unless I am otherwise convinced. It's just that no one seems to be reviewing my stories in this particular forum anymore and it seems quite pointless for me to continue if no fans enjoy it…

Thank you for reading and reviewing. I will always remember the kindness that you have showed me in the form of that.

--don't give up, you're not thinking

Don't Give Up by Waking Ashland


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